Horoscopes

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Tomorrow, somebody in the bus queue will call you an egomaniac. They won't mention your name but it will be obvious they were talking about you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) If family values are the glue that holds society together, resentful drunken get-togethers are the Swarfega that dissolves it again.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN) At the first use of the phrase 'plays to the rhythm of the samba', take the orange pill as directed. You will go to a better place.

You don't want to be strangled to death by your big sister for cutting out some pretty shapes from her One Direction tickets.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You've been a waiter for ten years now but still no sign of all those good things.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) The apocalypse doesn't sound so scary when you consider it only has four horsepower.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) They say owners start to look like their dog and that's true in your case as it died two years ago.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You like Willem Dafoe. He's brillent.  

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) In your local hipster coffee shop 'skinny white' is the most popular coffee order and a description of the staff.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR) Time to shift that winter weight, as you've been calling the bloke you started dating on New Year's Eve.