Horoscopes

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) Your first day as a vicar on Monday will be a baptism of fire. As a result it will be your last day, too.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) No, you're not a humanitarian. You're a human IT Aryan.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Give a man a fish and it will totally confuse him. Especially if you're in a nightclub.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Looks like summer is over. For you anyway, unless your appeal comes through.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) The longest journey starts with a single step. And the shortest one. All journeys, in fact. Not sure where I'm going with this.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) If you really think you're your own worst critic, just ask any person you know to give their honest opinion of you.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) On Sunday you rehearse for putting flea drops on your cat by trying to apply oil to the teeth of a working chainsaw.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) That dramatic music in your head, between buying a can of beer and opening it? That's not a good sign.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) After watching BBC News 24 for three days straight you concede they're not going to report on that weird pork scratching you sent them.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Tomorrow, you borrow the Pitbull album out of the library. Just to stop anyone else doing it.