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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve started buying deodorant offering ’48 hour protection’ in a bid to start washing more often.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You still feel that the biggest waste of US government money in the 1980s was writing to rappers to tell them that they were suckers.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Parents need to make their minds up. They say it’s wrong to lie to kids but when you actually do steal their kids’ noses, they go mental.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Bosses at Yellow Pages are unhappy with your ad campaign pitch this week, featuring a 70 year-old man going to various smut shops asking if they have an old gay porn film starring Storm Assblaster. ‘My name….?’

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re glad they don’t use horses to make glue any more. It can’t have been easy operating the equipment with big clunky hooves.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You just found out what the term is for the outcome of a set of actions is. So that’s a result.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This Saturday you compliment the owners of Perfect Fried Chicken on their name, because your idea of a perfect meal is one that leaves you feeling like a pigeon died in your mouth.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Misunderstanding the meaning of the Ice Bucket Challenge, you manage to finish off four bottles of champagne after work on Friday.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your revenge prank on your neighbour – ordering loads of takeaway for them every night – has backfired somewhat because you keep intercepting the delivery driver and eating the food.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Looks like summer is over. For you anyway, unless your appeal comes through.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Encourage your kids to learn more about wildlife by leaving scraps of food by the back door and watch the wonder on their faces as they see their very first badger, fox or even a feral tramp.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Collect all 52 horoscopes and at the end of the year, you’ll have 52 horoscopes.

All female characters now ludicrously hard

EVERY female character in TV and film is now exceptionally determined and hard as nails.

Consumers of entertainment are puzzled as to why all female characters have suddenly become natural leaders or acquired superhero-style fighting abilities.

Office worker Donna Sheridan said: ““In every period drama I’’ve seen recently a female character takes charge of everything, when in real life she would probably have been told to go away and do some needlepoint.

““Then last night I watched a thriller and realised it was the third time this week I’’d seen a nine-stone woman batter the fuck out of blokes with three times her body mass.”

Television fan Tom Logan said: “”I was going to ask my girlfriend why all the women on telly are dead hard but I was afraid she’’d punch me in the windpipe and throw me through a window.””

Cultural historian Emma Bradford said: ““Strong fictional women may be an attempt to compensate for years of weak female characters who were just there to look nice, get murdered or listen to important exposition.”

“”However, it’’s equally likely that producers think more people would have gone to see Die Hard if Bruce Willis had tits.””

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