Horoscopes

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You sicken me. No, not you, the one stood next to you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) As an existentialist from Grimsby you’ve always believed that Hull is other people.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Time to up the exercise levels this weekend by going to the chippy that's further away.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) If life has taught you one thing, might I suggest you start paying a bit more attention?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Counting to ten is a good way to calm down and may also explain, given your educational record, why you’re so angry all the time.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) You are the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s new housekeeper. Congratulations.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Spring is definitely in the air this week as you find yourself in the local park being unspeakable with a tree.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) I'm too good for the likes of you. Write your own horoscope, you bellend.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) A shooting star will blaze briefly across your sign on Friday before landing on your shed, setting fire to it.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You have a crisis of faith on Sunday when you can't decide whether the face in your toast looks more like Jesus or Kenny Loggins.