Horoscopes

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) And when you get that feeling, you want sexual healing. 'That feeling' being a burning sensation when you urinate.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) An unfamiliar situation in work today as a colleague you actually like is leaving and you’ve no idea how much to put into their collection.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR) A journey home to see all your family is made a lot more relaxing this week when you cancel your train tickets and don't go.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) A shaky start to your summer holiday this weekend when Kate Moss, Ian Brown and Peter Buck board the row in front of you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) On Friday you will smear pudding on Nicole Scherzinger's face and rather than laugh, she'll go f**king spare.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Trouble at work this week, when the search for a missing stapler uncovers your life-sized Gregg Wallace doll made of Post It notes.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) You're a big fan of steampunk, as it's much more healthy than fried punk.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Having not shaved for a week you realise your beard actually looks quite distinguished. Now to find some earrings to go with it.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) On Thursday you'll go into a little booth and do what you do every five years. Have a shower.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) This week for your 18th birthday you get to open the sealed box your parents put together the day you were born. Inside is a slip of paper saying 'Get a job'.