Horoscopes

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) After some custard creams are accidentally eaten from your desk today, you have no option but to set fire to the building as a retaliatory measure.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) You can't complain about websites and their use of cookies, given your use of cookies as a substitute for parental love.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) On Sunday you board a ghost train, filled with decrepit, dead-eyed spectres who nobody dare approach, then you enter the next carriage and realise that was just First Class. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) Little sympathy from your boss this morning when you phone in asking for compassionate leave due to Twitter getting rid of the 'Favourite' function.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Sunday's morning Quidditch game sees you swallow the Golden Snitch and get disembowelled by feral, magic-crazed children. I know, again. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) This is the week you finally reduce your gambling addiction to manageable levels by restricting yourself to the 2p waterfalls. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) You ‘danced like nobody’s watching’, but they were watching and they filmed you and it's gone viral. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) Like Mariah Carey you are an Aries, and like Mariah Carey you are in the middle of a 26-show residency at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas because that's how this works.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
 Scorpio enters your sign tomorrow night, crawling across your face while you're asleep and sucking moisture out from under your eyelids.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) It's Friday, it's 4pm, it's a training course. The trainer asks if anyone has any more questions. People are packing up. Now is your time to shine.