Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re a rhinestone cowboy, or at least that’s what you think you see when you look at your constellation in the sky.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Rather than get caught up in everyday concerns of trivial life, why not spend this weekend contemplating that you exist in a godless universe destined for a final heat death?
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Money worries will finally be resolved on Thursday when they are replaced by “Deadline has passed and now you must die” worries.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It has come to our attention that there are a number of Capricorns reading this horoscope regularly. This must stop. These are futures you are not authorised to know.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
After some custard creams are accidentally eaten from your desk today, you have no option but to set fire to everyone’s desk as a retaliatory measure.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
This week you finally understand that you are a magnet to hot ladies, but a magnet of the opposite pole which is why you repel them with such helpless power.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You are a force of nature, but long-term thermodynamic entropy isn’t much fun at parties.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Thanks to streaming you no longer need CDs, so you’ve turned all 3,200 of your albums into coasters. You may have overestimated your need for coasters.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Friday you leave the house to find the Corsa Cannibals have visited your street, where the frame of your car is still turning on an enormous spit in your garden.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You are a force of nature, but long-term thermodynamic entropy isn’t much fun at parties.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Sunday you win Scorpio in a bet and get to excuse your rapacious sexual appetite for the next twelve months.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’re a creep, you’re a weirdo, what the hell are you doing here? Oh, you’re with the band. Sorry.
