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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Why not cheer yourself up this weekend by buying jeans 24 sizes too big, standing sideways and taking photos of you looking happy?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’ll write a sequel to your hit book by using Ctrl+f to find and replace the words ‘my’ with ‘her’ and ‘his’ with ‘my’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Friday you will smear pudding on Nicole Scherzinger’s face and rather than laugh, she’ll go fucking spare. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A big day for your recycling company today as you get a call from a Swiss football organisation with three tons of shredded paper they need shifting.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Why not rekindle some of the romance in your relationship by not responding to every question with “What the fuck are you asking now?”

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The problem with tall summer drinks like Pimms or mojitos is trying to smuggle enough of them into work to get you through the day.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your quest for a new type of fusion cuisine sees you having stir-fry roast dinner on Sunday.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your aura shifts from a vibrant aquamarine to a tepid brown today, marking the point your underwear really needs changing.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After considering padding out your CV by taking evening classes or doing voluntary work, this week you decide to increase the font size a couple of points instead.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The traditional gift for a sixth wedding anniversary is iron but when you buy one for her apparently it’s a month of sleeping on the sofa.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
While spontaneous combustion may be an actual thing, it’s unlikely the police are going to buy it for the sixth time in a month.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Was * this * your card?

London hedgehogs survive by being bastards

HEDGEHOGS in London have survived by emulating the rude, pushy behaviour of their human counterparts.

After it was discovered that London hedgehogs had learned to avoid busy roads, it now appears they have acquired skills such as jumping queues and shamelessly hassling people to get their own way.

Office manager Donna Sheridan said: “Last night I was feeding the hedgehog that visits my back garden when it said ‘Call that a saucer of fucking milk?’

“I was taken aback but I got a bigger bowl of milk. Then it scrounged a cigarette off me.

“It came back this morning with some crappy garage flowers and tried to chat me up.”

Cyclist Tom Logan said: “Yesterday a 4×4 cut me up really badly, but when I remonstrated with the driver it turned out to be a group of hard-faced female hedgehogs operating the steering wheel and pedals.

“They tried to deflect criticism of their driving by claiming they had to take some baby hedgehogs to the doctor, then asked me if I could lend them some grubs and worms.”

Hedgehog Roy Hobbs said: “You’ve got to look out for number one in this world, which is why I left my best friend to get eaten by a cat, then shagged his girlfriend.”

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