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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you’ll convince colleagues that Nigel Farage’s book ‘The Purple Revolution’ is about his Vimto sex fetish.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
They say a good man is hard to find, whereas finding you simply involves following the sophisticated smell of Lynx.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week’s solar eclipse will have a major effect on Taureans as they all simultaneously fall down a manhole while watching it.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s been a difficult few months for Gemini but things are looking up this weekend as that massive scab on your lip finally falls off.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You celebrate the 30th anniversary of neighbours by moving to Australia, gaining three stone and changing your name to Harold.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Money worries come to an end next week when you lose your house and the associated cost of filling it with crap.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A new and exciting person will enter your life on Monday. At 3am. Through the bedroom window. Just tell him where the jewellery is and then shut it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You are the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s new housekeeper. Congratulations.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Now is not the time to panic. Just take a deep brea…SHIT, NO, PANIC!

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Just been speaking to the Bogey Man. He does not like you.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
In a bid to get to know your neighbours better, this week you start learning the drums.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It’s been seven hours and fifteen days, since you took your love away. And my Buffy box set, you fucker.

Twitter bios must go 'serious, serious, wacky'

ALL Twitter bios must contain two serious pieces of information followed by a third zany one.

The social media platform set the new rules after complaints that some users were not displaying simultaneously the business-like and playful sides of their personalities.

Tom Logan, ‘father, atheist, eater of Spangles’, said: “Twitter bios should be like the news – the important stuff goes up front and then you end with something light-hearted and kind of pathetic.”

Fellow micro-blogger Donna Sheridan – whose bio states, ‘Journo, Vegan, Simon Pegg once said he liked my shoes’ – agreed: “You need to make it clear that you’re a serious and successful human being with strong beliefs and/or family values.

“But then, just as people are thinking, ‘Oh, they sound a bit dull’ – WHAM! You hit them with a zany, off-the-wall factoid.”

Frequent tweeter Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve been doing it wrong. Since 2010, my bio has said, ‘optician, widower, optician’.

“This morning I changed it to ‘optician, widower, I pushed her off a boat’ and I’ve already gained 300 new followers.”

 

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