Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A nice relaxing bath with some aromatic essential oils will be the perfect way to unwind at the end of the week. It may also get rid of that mackerel-y smell, too.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your dealer has started cutting his weed with laxative. For shits and giggles.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’d happily exchange ‘dying doing what you loved best’ for ‘living to the age of 130 doing something you’re ambivalent about’.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you had to express your level of pissed-off on Monday it’d be The infinite monkey that made a typo in the last sentence of The Tempest‘.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Thought for the day shouldn’t you be having more than one thought per day?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your kid’s hamster just died and you’ve run out of dusters. Sometimes the universe answers a question as soon as it is asked.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You take the warnings on alcohol bottles to ‘drink responsibly’ seriously by locking yourself in the ladies at work with a pack of breath mints before getting stuck in.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your living situation improves for the first time since the divorce as the guys at the storage warehouse finally allow you to have a kettle in the container you’ve been living in.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
When that actor in The Big Bang Theory pretends to be weird he gets a million dollars an episode but when you do it to get out of your sister-in-law’s wedding you’re on the couch for a week.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
If you really think you’re your own worst critic, just ask any person you know to give their honest opinion of you.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No, go on. Tell me again how much you, an adult, enjoyed a film with a talking raccoon in it.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Rate This Horoscope Now? (Yes No Later Piss Off)
