Horoscopes

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) Why not spice up things in the bedroom with a bit of role play? You can pretend you're somebody who still wants to have sex with him and he can pretend to be a blind person with no sense of smell.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) In a multiple-choice exam, if you're not sure of the answer just put 'B'. Unless they ask which was the best Mel in the Spice Girls.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) If the term 'geek' these days just means somebody with a detailed interest in something, you're a real pornography geek.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Flying over a desert island this week, you see that somebody has spelled out the name of their favourite Beatles album in pebbles on the beach.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) 1997 was a very good year for Pinot Noir – remember when you found that crate of it round the back of Threshers?

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) You wake up and the smell the coffee. You live alone. WHO IS MAKING COFFEE IN YOUR KITCHEN?

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Oh, sure, a rabbit's foot on a key ring is 'lucky' but a severed head worn as a pendant is 'scaring the kids'.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) This week, why not grow a stupid-shaped beard, pretend you're a street magician and convince strangers to throw their phone under a bus?

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) When describing World War One as 'lions led by donkeys', people tend to ignore how awesome that would actually look.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Just two weeks of going to the gym has really made a difference. You never used to cry when putting on your coat before.