Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Nobody could ever accuse you of reading too much into things or, indeed, reading.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You should take time each day to gather your thoughts. Twelve seconds should do it.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Oh, sure, a rabbit’s foot on a key ring is ‘lucky’ but a severed head worn as a pendant is ‘scaring the kids’.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
When God closes a door, he opens a window, proving that he moves in a mysterious way even when he’s just nipping out to the shops.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
After failing to inject a little romance back into your relationship you try again, this time replacing ‘romance’ with ‘heroin’.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
No news from Channel Four on your idea for a new soap opera about people hitting cars with a hammer called ‘Car Hammer Hitting People’. Is it the title they don’t like?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
It may just be coincidence, but as the progressive arthritis in your hands has twisted your index and middle finger around each other, you’ve become a lot more lucky.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Friday you’ll have an awkward moment when your teenage daughter comes home from university with her first boyfriend, mainly because you’ve changed the locks and rented her room out.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You reek of Taurus. What on earth have you been doing?
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Spring is nearly here and once more the sap is rising. Fetch a cloth.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The final page of your autograph book is filled this week with the signature of the high-profile judge that serves you with a non-molestation order.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Please Note: Importance of life not actual size.
