Horoscopes

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) If all else fails, it will be exactly like the rest of your crappy life.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Suck it and see. Actually, you might want to see it before you agree to suck it.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Virgo enters your sign this week, patting his pockets and humming distractedly for a moment, before wandering out again.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You know what Hollywood should do? They should make a film where two photogenic supernatural races are battling and humanity is stuck in the middle.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) On Saturday you return your sausage dog to the pet shop, because the sausages he makes taste revolting.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Following The Sun’s decision to put a paywall on their website, you decide to put a padlock on your wheelie bin.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Sitting in a beer garden with a pint of lager and a fag – is there any better way to watch the sun come up?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Unless it’s golf, in which case hate both.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) It's a constant source of disappointment to you that Cape Town isn't full of superheroes.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Bad news from the adoption agency, after you asked if they had any non-union ones that could work a 12-hour shift.