Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you return your sausage dog to the pet shop, because the sausages he makes taste revolting.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week, you will mostly be eating curry and doing pills in South America. Its surreal, like something from Salvador Dhal E.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Why not watch an American bromance film where the lead male character is a raucous free spirit until some woman tries to make him settle down, they both become unhappy and she finally allows him to be a toned-down version of himself? Im sure there must be a film like that.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No, I dont think Limahl is a French shopping precinct, actually.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Youve been arguing about politics on the internet a lot recently. Why not do something slightly more dignified, like fighting in a public lavatory over a floating dog end.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If I was warm, I think the first thing I’d take off would be my beret. She sounds like a wrong ‘un to me, Prince.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Youve spent years studying the least deadly of the martial arts tofu.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Youve always been proud of the fact that no matter what, youre prepared to stand by your principles. Its just a shame theyre so utterly ludicrous.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Time to kick the exercise regime into high gear. So sit up in bed when you eat your multipack of Quavers.

Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Tsk, you can never find a pen when you need one, can you? Youll just have to find something else to masturbate with.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your heart sinks when you see the policeman walking up your garden path. Because youre married to him and hes a dick.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
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Near death experience gets contemporary makeover

GOD has updated the ‘near death experience’ for the first time since the 70s.

The deity has retired the tunnel-style visuals, dry ice and unflattering ‘curtain’ robes that the deceased’s ancestors were forced to wear.

God said: “A few people had complained about the robes saying they were a bit ’70s TV movie’. Personally I like robes, I think they’re a design classic, but sometimes you must submit to popular taste.

“In the new near death experience, instead of coming up a tunnel you just flash straight into a minimalist warehouse space with a sexy girl DJ and buff angels offering fresh organic grapes.

“Then your dead relatives appear in 80s Diadora tracksuits, like something in a Daft Punk video.

“They’re going to act normal and not be all like ‘we love you’, which is frankly off-putting. I’ve told everyone to keep the chat light.”

Account manager Julian Cook took on the project after his own disappointing near death experience: At first I saw pure white light which was absolutely spot on from a design perspective.

Then the most ghastly vision of an English country cottage appeared, like a bloody Hallmark card without even the ironic urban sampling ethos that makes Cath Kidston such a powerful high-street brand.

Unfortunately the world beyond is currently dominated by pre-war old folk who like a nice watercolour of a stone bridge, commemorative plates of Royal occasions and doilies under everything.

“But this re-imagining is pretty awesome. You’re really going to want to die.”

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