Horoscopes

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Disappointment on Thursday as, after months of playing Slap Bass Guitar Hero, you manage to complete level 41 and it suddenly turns really shit.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Gimme a ‘P’! Gimme a ‘s’! GImme a ‘y’! Gimme a ‘c’! Gimme a...hello? Are you still there?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Oops! Psychic Bob is over capacity. Please wait a moment and try again. Or just try living your own life, for f*ck’s sake.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Life’s too short to have regrets. Yours is, anyway.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) You realise that Men In Black 3 is not only a dreadful sequel, it also describes the number American men whose bank accounts are in credit.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) It's not unusual for a doctor to ask for a stool sample but it is generally considered bad form if they do it on a first date.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP) You've managed to ride out the recession thus far by using the simple expedient of having bugger-all money to begin with.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP) Paying to join that uniform dating site proves a total waste of money as there’s nobody else on it dressed as a snowtrooper from Empire Strikes Back.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Your television debut sees the family crowd around the TV at 3am to watch you dry hump a Nokia on Babestation.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) It's called 'Avengers Assemble' presumably because 'Chronic Masturbators and Sociopaths Assemble' wouldn’t fit on the poster.