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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you appear on Saturday Kitchen stating that your ‘food heaven’ and ‘food hell’ are Michael Gove and Jimmy Krankie respectively.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
After learning not to comment on ignorant and inflammatory remarks on the internet with a zen-like calm for the last six months, you realise that calling everybody a wanker is actually a lot more fun.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You discover the exclusive discount shop Millionpoundland sells value packs of racehorses.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your faith in video games is undermined when you go around shaking hedges to discover it’s impossible to make birds angry.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A disappointing response from the people at Screwfix.com after you realise it isn’t actually an honestly-named dating website.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
No word from Hasbro about your board game ‘Connect Against’.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The combination of Jupiter and Venus in your love life means your latest encounter results in you breaking out in giant red spots.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You prefer not to foster a ‘blame culture’ at work, preferring instead to have a ‘leave incriminating evidence on somebody’s desk and wait for it to be spotted’ culture instead.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’re dragged along to watch the Keith Lemon film at the cinema and it manages to be the most unpleasant film you’ve seen with the word ‘lemon’ in the title, including the ‘party’ one with all those naked old men.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Everyone has an opinion on your arsehole. No, hang on, that’s not right…

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After a whole day off the booze, your DTs reach such chronic levels you earn good money on a building site as a paint churner. In a sad twist, this leads you to discover the pleasures of paint thinner.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You take your duties seriously as best man and have spent the last six months compiling a dossier for the bride listing all the ways you are a better catch than the groom.

 

 

Twitter cuts tweet length to one character

AS part of a major revamp, Twitter has reduced its maximum message length from 140 characters to a single consonant.

Executives at the social networking site believe users no longer care if their tweets are intelligible, as long as they are barking something into the cyber-void.

A Twitter spokesman said: “Our most influential users are really there just to maintain a profile. Saying something worthwhile, or even that is recognisably written in a specific language, is not a priority.

“Likewise many of our less influential users are barely literate and just want to toady up to famous people.

“Henceforth messages must be a single consonant – we’re excluded vowels so that people don’t try to subvert the system by, for example, constructing the word ‘famous’ from six separate tweets.

“We realised we were able to save a lot of server space with no loss to humanity. It’s also an interesting test of the limits of human narcissism.”

Shortly after the change Kim Kardashian, who has over 16 million followers, tweeted: “p”.

Four minutes later she tweeted: “q”.

Her boyfriend Kanye West re-tweeted the letter “q” and tweeted “t”.

The letter ‘t’ has since been retweeted 612 times.

 

 

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