Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! And I’ll give you twenty quid if you can get me some rubber gloves and a big jar of goose fat while you’re at it. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Impress your new boss by scribbling copious notes throughout a meeting, making sure he doesn’t read them and realise you’re just listing all the heavy things you’d like to fling at his groin.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
When you tell your friends that you never argue with your other half they think you’re being smug but what they don’t realise is it’s because you’re absolutely terrified of her.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
It’s always a startling discovery to find your first grey pubic hair, especially when it’s nestling on top of the French onion soup you just ordered.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
She was a kooky free spirit with an outrageous sense of adventure. He was a buttoned-down hypochondriac who’d never left his home town. But when they ended up on a date, they absolutely loathed each other and called it a night before the starter even arrived.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
While everybody loves an optimist, it may be time to acknowledge that you can throw away that ‘Torres to finish top scorer in the Premier League’ betting slip.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re holding off any boycott of Murdoch’s Sun on Sunday newspaper until you can conclusively assess how many pap shots of The Saturdays getting out of a limo it’ll have each week. No point painting yourself into a corner.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Having an intervention staged on your behalf doesn’t necessarily mean you’re an alcoholic but when it’s shown on prime time Saturday night ITV you may have to take action.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
I see you driving round town with the girl I love, and I’m like – screw you. And your British School of Motoring.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Fame of a sort this week as you prompt the trending Twitter hashtag #haveyouevervomitedoverabishop?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No, I don’t think chopping up chopping up a load of crab sticks into a sweet & sour Pot Noodle does count as ‘pan-Asian cuisine’, actually.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your star sign needs a software update. Please switch the universe off and switch it back on again.

Lansley to be paraded around Britain

ANDREW Lansley is to be toured across the nation as its officially-appointed hate sponge.

The haunted-looking Health Secretary has impressed the prime minister with his ability to divert furious ire away from other parts of the coalition, and will head a newly-created department as Minister of It’s All My Fault.

The scapeministry will assume responsibility for all key governmental atrocities, which a caged Lansley will in turn have to justify to a baying crowd.

Backbencher Denys Finch-Hatton said: “Andrew has shown absolute loyalty to the party and will happily serve as a lightning rod for murderous rage by being pelted with whatever people can still afford to fling at a cabinet minister these days.”

“He is absolutely right that sticks and stones may break his bones but he’ll soon find that having a mobility scooter bounced off the bridge of the nose can certainly make one’s eyes water, too.”

Lansley’s first assignment is touring around Scotland shouting out reasons why the Scottish are too feckless to look after themselves while frantically telling the driver of his truck to run red lights.

His cage will subsequently be placed outside a number of threatened local libraries, with Lansley telling patrons that they should open Amazon accounts ‘like normal people’.

Finch-Hatton said: “Andrew’s an ambitious chap and if this goes well, one day he could find himself ducking volleys of abuse during Prime Minister’s Questions while David Cameron shelters behind him, idly checking his emails.”