Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’re right that deodorant is completely unnatural, but so is vomiting into my own hands on the top deck of an 82 bus, you malodorous git.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
No response from the booksellers’ union about your request they threaten strike action in the hope people might start panic-buying books and maybe even read one once in a while.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your application to be a panellist on the new TV version of Just A Minute falters for three reasons: You’re not a celebrity, you’re unable to talk for a minute on any subject at all without using the word ‘darkies’ and then there’s the restraining order Nicholas Parsons had to apply for.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You like your women as naked as the day they came into the world, and if they’re being spanked by a nurse wearing rubber gloves, so much the better.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The only way you will manage to reach your holiday weight is if that holiday is due to take place on Mercury.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your pleasure in Ebay awarding you a yellow star is tempered by their insistence that you wear it in public at all times.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s annoying when you have a great idea but don’t have a pen to write it down with. Like that one you had the other night about always carrying a pen with you.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
As the security guard tosses you back out onto the pavement for the sixteenth time it becomes apparent that the angry phone call from your boss on Sunday morning wasn’t an April Fool and you really have been fired.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Stern words exchanged with the local cinema manager on the importance of sturdy signage after a missing couple of letters in the marquee for Wrath Of The Titans leaves you disappointed in your quest for angry, circus-boobed porn.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Hey Jude, don’t make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better. If it’s anything by Damien Rice I’d recommend setting it on fire and fucking it over a cliff.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you walk into the pub to see Mars, Jupiter and Saturn all stood by the bar. As you try and order a drink the barman shakes his head almost imperceptibly and motions toward the door with his eyes. Calling them a bunch of planetary pricks is beginning to look like a remarkably bad idea.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week, why not keep the plastic inner packaging from your easter egg, and use it as a mould to manufacture your own.

James Murdoch denies reading resignation email

FORGETFUL former BSkyB chairman James Murdoch has claimed he had no idea he had resigned.

The Prince Edward of the Murdoch dynasty was startled by reporters outside his office yesterday and needed several minutes to quickly check through his Blackberry, once his assistant had told him where it was, to work out what they were talking about.

Murdoch said “It appears that for the good of the company I work for, whose name escapes me, it was apparently decided at some point it would be best for me to relinquish whatever my duties were.

“I would ask that the press respect my privacy at what I’m told will be a difficult time and allow my former employers to continue their fine work in whatever it is they do.

“Television? Really? I thought we made fridges or something. I was given an information pack when I started but I just sort of skimmed through it.”

Murdoch will now look for employment elsewhere and his ability to deny any knowledge of serious criminality in the firm he works for has drawn interest from a number of oil companies.

Opinion is divided in business circles whether his look of confused surprise throughout the inquiries into phone hacking was the result of carefully orchestrated dissembling or genuine idiocy, but both are valued assets in the petrochemical industry.

Murdoch said “I’d like some time with my family – which I’m sure involves a wife and some little people running around the place that I presume are my kids – to think about my next move.

“Now. Where did I park my car?”