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I'VE never liked Italy. Opera, fussy paintings and footballers rolling around on the floor like they've been shot.

ME and the Nazis go way back: the Wolfenstein games, the Nazi zombies in Call of Duty and Dead Snow, and of course as a point of comparison on the internet.

BROADCASTER, writer and misogynistic fantasist Jeremy Clarkson has travelled the world spreading ignorance, but which nationalities is he perfectly okay with?

What if the selling-roses-in-nightclubs-man was Eros all along, and buying one would have led you straight to the love of your life? And you told him ‘fuck off’?

WAKING in a police cell, cassock stained and mitre askew, reeking of baby oil, poppers and papaya-scented lube, I piece together events.

‘CRACK the Pouilly-Fumé if you want,’ my wife said. ‘I get it, you’re excited. Finally a world leader even shorter than you are.’

CHILDREN are ostensibly the point of sex while being expert and dedicated boner-killers. Your once-adventurous fucking is halted at every turn by their constant, invasive presence.

I AM an ethical man, and that does not come cheap. My employers are currently accused of financial misdealing and I have warned them: with no money, I am not here.

HAPLESS Tinder user Nikki Hollis goes for a candlelit dinner with the 8,468 horny men who have swiped right on her profile in the last year. Will any of them find love?

You can barely call those things that horses wear ‘shoes.’ Get them some Jordans.