by Joshua Gardner, whose toaster connects to the internet for firmware updates
TRAVEL broadens the mind. Getting lost just pisses the mind off, which is why every phone, watch, car and person over 55 should be fitted with GPS.
But did you know that before phones, people still had to get about without even having a little screen showing a full map of the world and their exact location, that with a flick of a finger turns to TikTok?
Apparently they used to use printed maps, which are to proper maps what books are to Kindle, and with reference to street names and ‘signs’ found their way to locations they needed to be like absolute wizards.
And this wasn’t in, like, the 1880s but within my actual lifetime. Navigating roads with crude ink markings on massive pieces of folded paper. No, seriously. You had to keep your place by pointing at the page or you were fucked.
I thought it was bullshit, like black-and-white telly, but Dad actually had this yellowing parchment in the glovebox of his Kia Sportage.
It looked like the Marauder’s Map from Harry Potter, only without the links to a transphobe. You couldn’t see little people in Whitstable or Lavenham going about their day either, which is a shame because that might have maintained my attention. There was just a random assortment of squiggles and numbers.
‘Here. Find our way there,’ he said, as we set off to get a Switch controller that is vital if I’m to get the Zelda armour I need for memes. He turned the satnav off. I felt like Bear Grylls.
I found our location eventually, after being talked through the whole index concept, on page 74. This was harder than naming an unproblematic celebrity from the Seventies because everything was so small and you couldn’t even pinch to zoom in.
Shortly afterwards we lost our way because the road we were following went off the page. Why didn’t the publishers tailor the contents to our personal specifications? The internet does and all it costs is your identity. No wonder this paper bollocks went obsolete.
I gave the map to Dad. After studying it with the intense focus he usually saves for new photos of Kylie he admitted that it was 12 years out of date, but managed to trace a route, like the grizzled old sea captain from Moby Dick. I’ve not read it but I did it for GCSE.
So that was my brief foray into using an A-Z. I still don’t get how it works, but I reckon a road atlas could be a niche hipster look, like a watch-chain. I’ve bought a vintage one of Leeds.
