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I’m on the seagull diet. Every time I ‘see’ a ‘gull’ I smash my face into the chips you’re holding.

WAKING up in Lambeth prison, my customary Friday berth, I slake the thirst I have built up by drinking a bucket of my own urine in one draught.

I WAS expounding for the third time on Britain’s readiness to become the world’s AI hub when Biden says, ‘Oh, I get what’s going on here. You’re a goddamned robot!’

Letting Scotland call itself a country is like letting your daughter be a goth: regrettable,  indulgent, a bit pathetic but ultimately doesn’t do anyone any lasting harm.

YOU get one, then an upgrade, then a quick-and-easy handbag-sized one for dates, and suddenly you’ve got a whole battalion of sex toys doing the grunt work for you.

FAST & Furious star Vin Diesel has more hit movies than he has facial expressions, but only if you count all the F&F films separately. Otherwise it’s fewer.

Get real, if there were people riding round cities with big green cubes on their backs in a videogame you’d totally smash them for energy.

WAKING in my bedchamber with an unaccountable headache, I sweep away the empty bottles with a shattering swish of the duvet and attend immediately to my correspondence.

‘AS lockdown fell across the country, the atmosphere in Downing Street was febrile, fertile and charged with lust,’ I read. ‘Good, eh?’ says Boris.

STUDIO Ghibli’s classic continues to delight Guardian readers who ban their precious children from watching Despicable Me. But is the 1988 anime in its own way just as shit?