Premium

You're flattered when the barmaid at your local remembers what you had last time you were in. Fifteen pints of Stella, eight Jägerbombs and a scuffle in the car park.

WAKING in the jungle, breath pungent with kangaroo’s testicles, surrounded by slumbering elderly and eminent men in cassocks, I dimly recall how I came to be here.

BEGINNING her residency in the gambling capital of the USA, Adele explains why she only took the gig to make bank in the arcades.

IF Spanish food’s any good, how come the Costa del Sol’s full of English pubs selling English food? Answer me that.

IN the dim and distant past, nobody had iPhones. Texting hadn’t been invented. You would leave a message for a friend by ‘telling their dad’.

THE World Cup is here five months late, so why not express your belief in your country in an aggressive manner by wearing a replica kit 24/7 from now until mid-December?

Did you know? The raven that was tapping on Edgar Allan Poe’s door was originally a penguin, but that wasn’t scary so he changed it.

RETURNING to consciousness in a prison cell, a fresh gash on my forehead and my kneecap sore as if repeatedly and vigorously applied to a groin, I recall how I came here.

THE public perception of me as all work and no play couldn’t be more wrong. Here’s how, when not leading England into an evil football tournament, I let my hair down.

TWO months ago, Kwarteng announced free cash for the rich. Tomorrow Jeremy Hunt will demand money with menaces from the middle-classes. But what about the poor?