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WHO’S naughty? Who’s nice? Whose relationship has become nothing but boringly nice when it used to be spiritedly naughty?

WAKING in some sort of a manger I am aware of the presence of livestock, and three crowned figures stepping forward, bearing scented gifts.

BEING Britain’s leading money saving expert isn’t easy, especially when you’re always getting recognised while stark bollock naked. It’s happened six times.

CHRISTMAS jumpers are the height of anti-fashion, but have you wrung every twattish drop from yours or is a rival the bellend of the Yuletide ball?

CHURCHILL would be turning in his grave. We sent the Krauts packing and for what? To let them take over our city centres like Operation Overlord never happened?

WHEN you’re feeling idealistic and seven sambucas down at the office party, workplace romance can seem less maniacal than all the evidence suggests.

In the wild seals very rarely balance multicoloured balls on their noses. Once a week at most.

WAKING in Kings College, Cambridge, it is a moving experience indeed to look on as the boy choristers shuffle in to the chapel ready for the annual service.

DOM? He’s a great guy. An action man. Gets things done. Now Gav’s gone, he’s the hardest dude I know. He only lifts me up so we can be at eye level.

DESPERATE Joanna Kramer, aged 35, has set her self-esteem aside to go on a date with useless prick Tom Booker, aged 38. Will it be a love for the ages?