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The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was teacup pigs.

WAKING in a puddle of my own regurgitation lapping gently against my nostrils in the high breeze, I am approached by an enigmatic stranger.

BILLIONAIRE media magnate Rupert Murdoch is marrying again aged 92, due to these seduction techniques guaranteed to work in any branch of JD Wetherspoons.

TURNING on afternoon television to watch your husband smash his entire career due to a desperate miscalculation at least makes a change from Pointless. 

YOU’RE on a first date. Improbably, it’s going well. Even more improbably, you fancy him, but should you carry that through to full penetrative sex?

AS a serious music lover, streaming isn’t enough for me. I actually collect physical music on vinyl. Yeah. I know. Impressive.

You see life through rosé tinted glasses by being constantly pissed on Zinfandel.

WAKING in a Glasgow police cell, I realise that this particular occasion differs from the others as it is under the aegis of the King himself that I am incarcerated.

HE had one job. Slip a massive bung to the rich while concealing it beneath waffly childcare promises that won’t come in until Starmer. ‘Did I do well?’ he asks.

THE British Empire gets a bad press. Yes, there were a few atrocities, but by and large it was benevolent and helpful. Indian restaurants are a fine example.