AS the all-time record Grand Slam winner, Novak Djokovic can believe whatever he likes without fear of contradiction. These are his go-to conspiracies:
Roger Federer is a lizard, or maybe a robot
Never utter his name. It gives him power. My one-time rival is Swiss, which lends credence to the Clockwork Man theory, but they’re also financiers so that’s a tick in the eight-foot shapeshifting Bilderberg lizard box. I’ve had the edge on him for a while, which I’ve claimed is because of my veganism. Actually I release delicious insects onto court while employing powerful magnets.
5G causes male pattern baldness
Ever since the New World Order unleased 5G, my friends have been losing hair. It’s not because we’re in our late 30s. It’s 5G. To maintain my thick Serbian thatch I haven’t touched a cellphone since 2017. I communicate using pigeon, semaphore and two tin cans on a long string. And look at how lustrous it is.
McDonalds has a secret menu
I don’t eat there because they have wifi. But it’s been confirmed to me independently by Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar that the restaurant has a secret menu revealed only to UN delegates, Oscar winners and new US Presidents. Includes but is not limited to Triple Illuminati Big Mac Meal, Genuinely Diet Coke and the notorious Chicken Nugget McFlurry.
The world is flat and shaped like a tennis racket
The Flat Earthers are wrong. It’s no frisbee. I have it on the authority of Neil Armstrong himself, who’s still alive in space, that it’s shaped like a tennis racket. Others claim it’s a frying pan, ping pong paddle or cock-and-balls, but I back the racket theory. If there are spherical planets out there, we could lob them into the sun. But there aren’t.
Zebras aren’t real
I’m the originator of this one after a visit to Berlin Zoo. Think about it. Have you ever seen a single shred of unequivocal evidence proving the existence of zebras, apart from them being stood there in front of you which could easily be faked? How could stripey animals even evolve? On nature documentaries they use a painted donkey on drugs.
Sugar Puffs are pissed-on Rice Krispies
Ever been for a slash and it smells of Sugar Puffs? Exactly. They employ people to urinate in the vats, up the price, bang. It’s disgusting and it’s going on right under our very noses. The world needs to wake up.
