Lifestyle

PRESIDENT Erdoğan of Turkey is such a masculine boss man that he made Putin wait 50 seconds before shaking his hand. What other tiny-penised power moves could he have used?

ADVICE to stay at home in the heatwave has been ignored by insufferable twats migrating in search of air-con. Here’s where you’ll find them.

NOBODY understands how hard it is to maintain standards when you’re middle-class in an awful vulgar heatwave. Francesca Johnson explains her relatable issues:.

SUMMER is here, shoes are unwearably hot and you’re searching for other options. Treat your repugnant feet to these.

A WOMAN complimented on her £300 sundress has modestly pretended it is no more than a soiled rag she unearthed from the bottom of a bin.

YOUR holiday is booked, but your flabby mass is nowhere near beach body ready. Here are your worst features and how to disguise them.

MANAGED to escape your kids for two minutes? Congratulations. Here is how you will squander your precious free time.

DO you have a comfortable life and own lots of lovely things? Here's how to make constant, unnecessary middle-class excuses for it all.

LOOKING to top up your tan during the heatwave? Get ready to be inflicted with these ridiculous tan lines.

THE government can say what it likes: every Briton knows that cannabis is Class C and crack cocaine is Class A. Here’s how it actually works.