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Center Parcs adds backtracking fee to the bill

CENTER Parcs is to charge guests a backtracking fee after deciding it will stay open on Monday, it has been confirmed.

Having U-turned on the decision to boot guests into the woods on the day of the Queen’s funeral as a mark of respect, Center Parcs will invoice them accordingly to the tune of hundreds of pounds.

A Center Parcs spokesperson said: “After listening to the overwhelmingly negative feedback on social media we’ve begrudgingly decided to do the right thing, while rinsing middle class holidaymakers for all they are worth in the process.

“People are bound to kick off about this decision too, even though it’s consistent with the rest of our business model. We already charge an extortionate amount for food and activities which should really be included when you’re paying that much, so we’re not about to start handing out freebies now.

“Anyway, it’s not even a backtracking fee, really. It’s a ‘Queen’s Funeral Opening Hours’ fee. You wouldn’t want to dishonour Her Majesty by being stingy, would you? Didn’t think so.”

Guest Donna Sherridan said: “Ok, I can swallow that. But do I really have to spend £240 on Center Parcs-branded respectful black costumes for when the Subtropical Swimming Paradise is open?”

Great white sharks, and other things less dangerous than a hungry woman

THEY say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but a woman in need of a good meal is even worse. Here are some things that are considerably nicer to encounter.

Great white sharks

The apex predators of the ocean have got nothing on a woman who has been forced to skip lunch during her working day. The way she’ll snarl at you in meetings makes the shark from Jaws look positively cute and cuddly.

Nuclear bombs

These powerful instruments of devastation can cause fallout far and wide, but so too can a ravenous woman who has just discovered someone ate the snack she was saving for later. No friend, co-worker, or anyone in a nearby radius is safe from her wrath.

Snakes

Want to know the most venomous creature in the animal kingdom? Spoiler alert: it’s not the humble snake, but instead a woman whose hangover brunch is taking a bit too long to come out of the kitchen. The words she’ll spit at the waitress are truly deadly.

A tank

If you’re ever stolen a chip from a woman not yet fully sated, then you’ll know you’d rather be chased down the street by literally anything else. A military grade vehicle lumbering after you isn’t nearly as scary as a mum with the munchies.

Tigers

It may be a ferocious lone hunter, but the tiger would never reconsider a relationship just because you got a takeaway without her. Being devoured by a big cat is less emotionally taxing than being pointedly ignored until the emergency Deliveroo arrives.

Wrecking balls

The mighty swing of this demolition tool still has less force than that of a starving woman pushing through the crowds to claim her late night McDonalds. Stand between a woman and her nuggets and you could be pulverised into dust.

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