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Am I legally obligated to watch the funeral? Your bank holiday questions answered

NEXT Monday is a bank holiday, but are Britons obliged to spend it watching the funeral? Your questions answered:

Do I have to watch the funeral?

Yes.

Do I have to watch all the lead-up to the funeral?

Her Majesty will have two funerals as she had two birthdays. The first is at Westminster Abbey at 11am, and the second at St George’s Chapel in the afternoon. Anyone given the day off is required to watch both, the procession between and at least 2.5 hours of filler content.

Can I break for lunch?

Luncheon is to be taken in front of the television. Whatever you eat must taste like ashes.

I was thinking I could go on a day out with the family?

All tourist attractions are closed. All shops are closed. All Areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty will offer no sucor to your grief-stricken eyes. All major roads will be closed and police roadblocks will be set up on minor roads. Stay home.

What if I have to attend a wedding on the day of the funeral?

When the vicar says ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’, say ‘this wedding should not be taking place and if it does take place, it will end in divorce within four years. All guests should leave. The vicar should defrock himself.’

What if I have to attend a funeral on the day of the funeral?

So selfish a death should not be commemorated. Nobody should attend and the body should be sent to an anonymous pauper’s grave.

Is it possible to tell if I’m watching the funeral?

You have a smart television. Your internet service provider records exactly what you are streaming at any given time. Any number of devices in your home have cameras which can be remotely activated. Watch the funeral.

There aren’t any penalties for not watching the funeral, are there?

None which have been declared.

So there are penalties for not watching the funeral?

At a time of national crisis, such as the death of a beloved 96-year-old monarch, the rule of law is suspended and authorities are free to take whatever action they see it without notification. You have never heard of anyone being imprisoned or exiled for failing to respect the ruler’s funeral. Take a moment to reflect on why this might be so.

I now plan to watch the funeral.

Official advice is to keep toilet breaks below 90 seconds.

Husband's comic collection earmarked as winter fuel

A MAN is blissfully unaware that his wife has designated his prized collection of superhero comics as a source of heat this winter.

With energy bills rising dramatically despite the government price freeze, Helen Archer has decided husband Julian’s library of pristine Marvel and DC titles will be first in the fire.

Helen Archer said: “Julian has boxes of the things stored away doing nothing. He doesn’t even take them out of the plastic wrapping, for Christ’s sake, so what’s the bloody point?

“He says they’re incredibly valuable, but, unless he’s going to sell them, which he’s not, the only value they have is to keep the house warm this winter. We’ll be able to squeeze through an extra couple of weeks without turning the central heating on.

“I haven’t told him yet, because we’ve been here before. He went into a full on mega-sulk when we ran out of toilet paper early on in lockdown and I suggested that his copy of Batman: The Killing Joke looked like it was printed on high-quality, absorbent paper.

“He’ll put up a fight, of course. But I’ve got the leverage of the vintage Razzle collection which he doesn’t know I know about, so those comics will be ashes come January.”

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