Lifestyle

ONCE they have exhausted wild swimming, the middle classes are sure to give other simple activities stupid gentrified nicknames. Including these.

FEW things scream 'pathetic’ like stickers in your rear window intended to impress others with your lifestyle. Like these irksome examples.

I’VE always loved wild swimming, sorry I meant camping. The exhilarating freedom of plunging into the sea, by which I mean a tent on Dartmoor, heals the soul.

WEEKENDS are supposed to be a pleasant respite from your job, but these activities will make you crave the sweet release of work.

NOBODY says anything about you being 49 and having a TikTok, but absolutely everybody is thinking it. These activities are also suspicious, for you.

A MAN in his 30s has realised that he will never hold such high social status as when he had a car in the sixth form.

MOST of us make do with a bog-standard spelling of our name but some people have to be wankers about it, like these.

ONLY children and the religious believe in mysterious forces that control your destiny. If you’re a rational adult it’s time to grow up and accept these superstitions are laughable.

IS your bathroom a constant battleground for use of the toilet and mirror? Here are some loved ones and guests who really need to stop faffing around in there.

YOU’RE creative, I hear? Think you’ll be delighting teachers and parents with your marvellous crafting skills? Back the f**k off, bitch.