Lifestyle

WEEKENDS are supposed to be a pleasant respite from your job, but these activities will make you crave the sweet release of work.

NOBODY says anything about you being 49 and having a TikTok, but absolutely everybody is thinking it. These activities are also suspicious, for you.

A MAN in his 30s has realised that he will never hold such high social status as when he had a car in the sixth form.

MOST of us make do with a bog-standard spelling of our name but some people have to be wankers about it, like these.

ONLY children and the religious believe in mysterious forces that control your destiny. If you’re a rational adult it’s time to grow up and accept these superstitions are laughable.

IS your bathroom a constant battleground for use of the toilet and mirror? Here are some loved ones and guests who really need to stop faffing around in there.

YOU’RE creative, I hear? Think you’ll be delighting teachers and parents with your marvellous crafting skills? Back the f**k off, bitch.

MEN are a basic species who waste their lives on pointless guff. Here are some of their futile pursuits that women would not get away with.

TO win over Leave voters you’ve got to prove you’re one of them. Here’s how I’m going ‘full gammon’ in my latest pandering to Brexiters, writes Sir Keir Starmer.

A MUM has confirmed that she will never allow her children to stay up for the New Year’s Eve countdown ever again.