HIGH Speed 2 may never happen, but is that as bad as it sounds? Here’s why Northerners should be grateful not to be connected to the South.
Have you seen how f**king expensive it is?
A pint of the shit beer they drink can cost upwards of a fiver. Their cramped, hutch-like dwellings easily go for half a million. Why would you want to bankrupt yourself by popping down to the South when everything is better and more affordable up North? If you’re after a cheap day out somewhere culturally different, that’s what the Midlands are for.
Southern food is crap
The North perfected fine cuisine centuries ago with the invention of Yorkshire puddings, Lancashire hotpot and Eccles cakes. There is no logical reason to hop on a train and eat inferior imitations of these dishes in shitholes like East Worthing or Kent. You’re certainly not touching fancy cordon bleu rubbish in London where it’s £5,000 for a slice of la-di-dah toast. The South even f**ks up straightforward foods like barm cakes by getting the name wrong.
The South is where Southerners live
An obvious fact that’s often overlooked in reports about the progress of HS2. The South’s population of metropolitan faeries is easily the worst thing about it, and the completion of a connecting train line risks giving these soft, workshy pansies easy access to your precious Northern motherland. The government should be investing in a wall to seal the South off instead.
It’s an eyesore
The North is home to the stunning vistas of the Lake District and the Peak District, whereas the South is blighted by the wastelands of Bournemouth and Plymouth. Even the picturesque bits like the Cotswolds get repetitive after five minutes. If you’re really desperate to see how bad the South looks, save yourself the trauma of visiting by doing a Google image search instead.
You hate London
Remember that time you accidentally overshot Crewe and ended up in Euston station? How could you forget? It was like a waking nightmare: people being busy, interesting landmarks, a wide range of cuisines and cultures… do you really want a high speed link to this hellish dystopia? You’d rather have a grimy bus service to Anthrax Island.
