International

DONALD Trump has started his day by idly crossing off countries on a map of the world.

THE stars-and-stripes is switching colour scheme to orange, purple and white to match President Trump’s facial colouring.

DONALD Trump has confirmed that the next four years are going to be as fucked up as his campaign.

THE final footage for a grainy, event-packed pre-apocalypse montage will be filmed at the Capitol in Washington DC at 5pm today.

BILLIONS of humans have reassured Donald Trump that it’s fine if he wants to change his mind about becoming president.

A SCREECHING, orange, shit-flinging gibbon will be crowned ruler of the free world later today.

BARACK Obama is president of the world’s most powerful country, it has been confirmed.

BRITONS are being flown home from a Gambia teetering on the edge of war to Britain, which is marginally more stable for the time being. 

INTERNATIONAL investors have demanded that when Britain becomes a tax haven it must slim down to just London.

MICHAEL Gove is hoping Donald Trump will hire him as his 'bumbling British butler' when he becomes president, it has emerged.