Food

A HALF-USED bag of quinoa in a kitchen cupboard has outlasted its owner’s last three relationships, he has realised.

A GENERATION who were robbed of deliciously unhealthy school meals by Jamie Oliver have told him that what goes around comes around.

A MAN always eats the bit of chocolate at the bottom of a Cornetto first instead of saving it until the end like a normal person.

A CARROT has confessed it is locked into a dysfunctional toxic co-dependent relationship with a stick.

THE new cool place to be at a party is at the fire pit, watching the glowing coals and assigning yourself a key role in their upkeep. But what fire pit twat are you?

A VEGAN has confirmed that he confusingly still eats the small, individually-packaged French cheeses Babybel.

A MUM has started putting her children’s dinners directly into the bin to save a whole load of fucking time and effort.

SO-CALLED serving sizes have been told to go fuck themselves.

THE UK has demanded that all cafes and restaurants should have one menu item which is free if consumed in a single sitting.

PEOPLE of 18 and over complaining about paper drinking straws have been reminded they could lift their drinking vessels to their mouths like the grown-ups they are.