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Idiots 'will be eating pasta every night until 2025'

PANIC-STRICKEN imbeciles who emptied supermarket shelves of dried pasta will be eating nothing but the stuff for the next few years. 

Coronavirus headlines caused idiots to get in their cars, head to Tesco and buy as many packets of macaroni, farfalle, tagliatelle and fusilli as they could fit in their boot.

Martin Bishop, who headbutted a 68-year-old woman in Sainsbury’s to secure the last packet of angel hair pasta said: “The moment I heard about this virus, my first thought was pasta. Pasta. Pasta. Toilet roll. And pasta.

“I wasn’t doing it for me, I was doing it for my children. Okay, I don’t have any children yet but I could still breed and to do that I need to eat. For some reason it has to be pasta.”

Emma Bradford said: “Yes, I brandished a ceremonial sword to fend off other customers at Lidl for a pack of spaghetti.

“Now that I’ve calmed down a bit, I realise an entire garage full of pasta might be a bit much, especially as I didn’t think to hoard any bolognese sauce, pesto or cheese.

“It’s going to be a sh*t five years shifting that lot. I suppose I could try using it to wipe my a*se.”

The next six counterproductive steps Trump will take to fight the coronavirus

PRESIDENT Trump has already advised Americans to keep going to work and banned Europeans who don’t speak English. What will he get wrong next? 

Announcing shortages on live TV

Trump uses his next presidential address to announce the items that are running out and which Americans should stock up on immediately, causing riots and the burning of shops within an hour of broadcast. 

Demanding Americans shake hands to prove they’re virus-free

Trump brings in mandatory handshakes to prove Americans are coronavirus-free before they are allowed to access mass transport or food shops, proclaiming that if you’re infection-free, you’ve nothing to fear. Infection rates jump 3,500 per cent in a day. 

Pray your hands clean

Taking advice from vice president Mike Pence, Trump declares that soap cannot clean your hands as efficiently as the Lord and water shortages are imminent, so handwashing is to be replaced by prayer. Infection rates jump 40,000 per cent. 

Internment of all Latinos

Following a Facebook rumour that Covid-19 is germ warfare by Mexico, Trump orders all Latinos interned indefinitely, creating 52 million fugitives, crippling vital services and closing half of all food suppliers. 

Suspending all media except Fox News

Declaring CNN to be public enemy number one for spreading accurate information about the pandemic, Trump uses emergency powers to suspend all media apart from Fox News, which focuses on the coronavirus being a Democrat plot. Civil war begins, unreported. 

Nuking San Francisco

A clearly ill and sweating Trump claims to have incontestable information that liberals are deliberately spreading the virus from their base in San Francisco and orders a nuclear attack, bringing down the internet and poisoning 65 per cent of farmland. The president dies blaming everyone else.

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