Environment

PEOPLE across Britain contacted their local councils yesterday to ask what in the name of fuck has happened to all the grit.  

MOTORISTS will be told to make their cars thinner as the government tries to squeeze as many lanes as possible into Britain's motorway network.

POPE Benedict has called for a renewed global effort to cap the level of gay emissions.

HIPPIES were today banging on about petrol again even though we already get it and would just like to go skiing.

MORE than half of all communities in Britain are being terrorised by gangs of global warming scientists, it was claimed last night.

EXPERTS have upgraded their estimates on rising sea levels, predicting they could submerge Ronnie Corbett within a decade.

BIOFUELS are incredibly salty and don't really go with anything, hungry people in the Third World said last night.

LAST year's summer floods were a freak event caused by a lot of water, a new scientific report has revealed.

COAL is so clean and fresh that the prime minister brushes his teeth with it, Downing Street said last night.

THE Earth has dismissed claims it is in danger from global warming, insisting the most likely outcome is the extinction of humans.