Environment

THE public has been warned to keep away from farmers after a yoghurt fan was shot while asking a Welsh herdsman to 'bust some rhymes'.

OTTERS have returned to the UK's riverbanks and it's gonna be off the chain, it has emerged.  

DRUNKEN polar bears will be able to get piss-poor pints of Guinness in sub-zero theme pubs after proving their Irishness.

AN unlikely bond between an injured chick and an orang-utan has evolved into a sexual relationship, it emerged last night.

FISH are on the brink of surrender, it was confirmed last night.

A GREAT WHITE shark escaped with cuts and bruises after straying into coastal waters full of British drunks.

DAVID Cameron has pledged a full-scale inquiry as it emerged that British airspace is unable to deal with an enormous volcanic cloud for the second year in a row.

THE shake-up of Britain's rail system is to include a multi-million project to make all trains, stations and platforms pony compliant within four years.

RECORD spring temperatures across the UK have raised concerns that global warming might be a real thing after all.

CONSTABLES called to a nocturnal disturbance in Windermere found a group of men cheering two battling plesiosaurs, it has emerged.