Environment

HURRICANE Milton has made landfall in America, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake. Here’s why Britain would be totally ruined by similar weather.

A WOMAN has painstakingly sorting her recyclable waste into a plastic container full of assorted and extremely disparate shit.

MEN on allotments obsessed with growing massive marrows are trying to compensate for deep feelings of inadequacy in other areas, it has emerged.

A SWATHE of Britain that is of no real import, ranging from Bedford to Andover and from Northampton to Reading, is to be flooded today.

STORM Lilian is bringing gales and heavy rain to areas that have underperformed in their GCSEs, meteorologists have confirmed.

THE sun is continuing to shine, leaving weary Britons with no choice but to go outside and perform sunshine-related activities. What will you do?

AFTER a summer closely resembling winter, the UK has called bullshit on today’s so-called heatwave.

LOW, grey skies and constant pissing rain, but can 2024 really compare to the f**king awful summers of England’s drenched past?