subscribe
/ Sign Out

Storm hits areas of Britain still into God

A HUGE storm is sweeping those areas of Britain which still cling to faith in a Christian deity.

Storm Éowyn has closed every school in Northern Ireland and is projected to cross over the populated areas of Scotland while leaving the heathens and sodomites of England untouched.

Meteorologist Julian Cook said: “It’s coming in like the wrath of God being exercised entirely on those who still worship Him. Hardly fair, but have you read the Bible?

“The good news for believers is that the Protestants can blame the Catholics and the Catholics can blame the Protestants so there’s nothing to shake anyone’s faith in this clearly indiscriminate assault on two God-fearing peoples.

“North Wales is catching a bit of it, with their low grey chapels. But England, where churches and cathedrals are nothing more than a historical day out for the cheerfully secular, will suffer no more than it being quite windy.

“Is this storm retribution from the Lord? Only if you believe in Him. I’m personally more into isobars.”

Presbyterian minister Bill McKay said: “So the godly are being punished for the sins of the ungodly. Same old same old.”

Women allowed to take cocaine if it ruins their life and they beg for forgiveness, says Daily Mail

IT is fine for a woman to use cocaine as long as it has horrifically awful consequences and she repents like a medieval witch, the Daily Mail has decided.

The paper has recently developed a morbid fascination with articles about successful career women whose lives are ‘destroyed’ by cocaine, which serve as a warning to other women not to have fun.

Deputy editor Norman Steele said: “Obviously not all women are allowed to take cocaine. They must be young blonde PR babes or affluent middle-class MILFs called Olivia or Camilla. Working-class people are scum with nothing to lose.

“The woman’s story should start off with her ‘having it all’, even if it’s just some crappy PR job, then descend into increasingly distressing experiences: withdrawal symptoms, being sacked, one-night stands they feel cheap and dirty about. Women should always regret having sex. 

“Ideally their cocaine experiences should be atypically extreme, such as overdosing, being admitted to a psychiatric ward or fellating a sleazy drug dealer. We must show people the truth about drugs with events that are unrecognisable to most drug users. 

“Throughout the article the woman will express regret and shame. Then we’ll publish it with a stock photo of a stunning model doing coke in glamorous surroundings that suggests it’s an excellent lifestyle choice after all. That’s just good journalism.”

PR executive Charlotte Phelps said: “I wanted to get an article in the Mail about my occasional weekend cocaine use because they pay quite well, but all that happens to me is I feel really buzzy and talkative for a few hours then a bit shit the next day. 

“So I changed it to needing 11 abortions, becoming a prostitute and bleeding from my eyeballs. You can read it. It’s the top story on Mail Online today.”

Next story ›