Environment

A step towards totalitarianism, and other things nutters think ULEZ will mean

NUTJOBS think ULEZ is coming to enslave and impoverish them, not make the air quality a bit better. Here are the fears of the ones who’ve really lost it:

The gammon's guide to denying global boiling while it's happening

WANT to ignore the world boiling in front of your eyes for no reason other than pure reactionary spite? Expert-hater Roy Hobbs shares his tips.

Five areas of the UK you'd rather f**ked off than Orkney

ORKNEY is considering becoming a self-governing territory of Norway. But which areas of Britain would you prefer to lose than a quiet little island off Scotland?

The Daily Mail guide to not condemning manhandling Just Stop Oil protesters

HERE at the Mail we would never encourage the public to assault eco-protestors. Do NOT take the law into your own hands with these hippy scum who deserve a good kicking. Here’s how.

Steam locomotives leaving chemtrails, claims Victorian conspiracy theorist

A CONSPIRACY theorist of 1847 believes new-fangled steam locomotives are spreading trails of gaseous compounds to subdue the brain.

Sun will not set this evening

THE sun is to beat down on the country for a punishing 48 hours without reprieve, scientists have confirmed.

Britain cracks under strain of pretending this weather is pleasant

THE UK is breaking down after three weeks claiming that horrendously hot, sticky, sleepless weather is something they enjoy.

A lovely frozen carrot: tips for cooling down your dog he won't give a shit about

THE summer is here and your dog’s hot and overdramatic about it. Try these great ways to help your pet stay cool which won’t work and he’ll resent you for.

Six reasons, as if you needed them, not to swim in Britain's seas

TEMPTED by the gleaming blue-ish waters of the British seaside on this sunny day? Remind yourself of what a bad idea that is before you plunge in.

They're your turds, say water companies

BRITAIN’S water companies have hit back at criticism by pointing out that the turds clogging the rivers and seas all came from your arses.