DISFIGURED
child murderer Freddy Krueger has asked householders to consider the
environment or he may have to tear out their spleens, it emerged last
night.
The
iron-gloved loner, who exists in a semi-corporeal state since being
burned to death by a mob of bereaved parents, is working in
conjunction with leading environmental charities and will enter the
nation’s dreams to personally deliver an eco-conscious message to each
and every UK citizen above the age of puberty.
Freddy
said: “Fitting
an energy meter has really helped me to monitor my carbon footprint.
It’s amazing what a difference things like low-wattage lightbulbs
make.
“Now
I’m constantly thinking of creative new ways to reduce my
consumption, for example by throwing corpses into the furnace instead
of leaving them to rot.
“I’ve
found the average teen contains enough energy for four hot baths.”
He
continued: “In the past I’ve kept the ominous furnace in my dark,
industrial lair burning pretty much round the clock. Really, that was
just for effect and completely wasteful.â€
Freddy
went on to describe his newly-adopted ‘make do and mend’ approach: “For example, I wanted to make myself a next glove, with serrated
finger blades instead of straight, and a hypodermic full of
skin-melting poison on the thumb. But making a bespoke wearable
weapon is a very energy-intensive process.
“I
asked myself, ‘can I make do with what I’ve got?’ The answer was yes,
the existing glove is more than adequate and not even starting to
rust.”
He
concluded: “It’s up to you to make a change. If you don’t I will
get in your head while you’re asleep, cut your face off and then
staple it back on, upside down.
“That’s
how passionate I am about this.”
