Celebrity

BRITAIN has been ordered to look at this delightful photograph and thank the Royal Family for existing.

ASTRONAUT Tim Peake has confirmed that his school’s careers advisor can stick his Boots application forms up his arse.

CONFUSING urges about Carrie Fisher have returned amongst middle-aged people after a 30-year absence.

FATHER Christmas has shaved off his beard following concerns about its hipster connotations.

MARK Zuckerberg’s Facebook announcement that he will give away 99 per cent of his wealth was the result of being shitfaced, he has revealed.

TV COOK Nigella Lawson is possessed by a demon, it has emerged.

BARONESS Thatcher's iconic outfits are to be auctioned off to old, rich men who will put them on in front of full-length mirrors.

NOVELIST Martin Amis has claimed that Jeremy Corbyn just isn’t likeable in the way that he is.

BEYONCE is more than 14 billion years old and survived the heat-death and collapse of a previous universe, it has emerged.

JAMIE Oliver has appealed for the safe return of his favourite herbs after a break-in at his North London home.