Celebrity

WILLIAM and Kate have announced a wonderful contraception mishap.

THE Queen has told Alan Titchmarsh she will never, ever shag him.

UNINTERESTING men have hailed Mark Wahlberg as their god.

CHARLES will become king when I am cold in the ground and not a minute earlier, the Queen has confirmed.

PRINCE Philip has completed his last public engagement, locked the gates of Buckingham Palace and told crowds to ‘fuck off out of it’ for the last time.

PRINCE George has declared his intention to become king as soon as possible and by any means necessary.

OJ SIMPSON, released from prison yesterday, has announced his intention to run for President of the United States.

THE Queen has responded to a breach of etiquette by Canada’s Governor General by smashing her elbow into his chin.

KIRSTIE Allsopp has admitted that if she sees a washing machine in a kitchen she vomits all over the floor and will not apologise.

THE best thing about being monarch is the huge amount of money you get, the Queen has confirmed.