PRINCE Philip has completed his last public engagement, locked the gates of Buckingham Palace and told crowds to ‘fuck off out of it’ for the last time.
The 96-year-old’s final engagement concluded outside the palace, after which the Queen’s consort glanced around at the assembled crowds and prepared to unleash his obscene finale.
Philip shuffled through the palace gates, locking them behind him and adding a new chain and lock purchased at his own expense from a nearby hardware store, before adding: “I don’t know what you think you’re all looking at.”
He then made a shooing motion and said “Go on, fuck off out of it, the lot of you” which sent cheers echoing down the Mall as gentlemen threw their bowler hats in the air and ladies waved their lace handkerchiefs.
The band of the Grenadier Guards then played a specially commissioned piece entitled I Hate Every Last Fucking One of You.
A Palace spokesman said: “The Duke of Edinburgh has retired from public life and requests Britain to leave him alone, especially those cheeky little bastards who keep kicking their ball against the wall and calling him a ‘nonce’.
“He hopes to now finally do something worthwhile.”
