Celebrity

HEY, Britain’s top pop public schoolboy Chris Martin here. It’s been a tough year for me not having my ego ridiculously validated. Here’s how I’ve coped.

MELINDA Gates is divorcing the billionaire co-founder of Microsoft for the company’s animated paperclip assistant, she has admitted.

THERE has never been a love as pure, as selfless or as holy as that of William and Kate. Compared to their marriage, yours is a sordid shag in a back-alley.

PURPORTEDLY straight, but utterly infatuated with famous blokes? Here are the six men that give straight guys a heterosexual boner.

THE funeral of the Duke of Edinburgh today is a sombre occasion which William and Harry cannot be allowed to ruin by pinching. Here’s how it will be avoided.

SOME members of the public take any solemn event as an opportunity to throw good taste out of the window. If you’re doing any of these things to remember Prince Philip, reconsider. 

ONLY a self-centred idiot would make a funeral all about them. Here Prince Andrew explains why he should be the centre of attention as the nation mourns.

FALLEN out? Want the next family get-together to be sphincter-tighteningly awkward for everyone? Princes William and Harry explain how.

YOU don’t hate the Royals, but nor are you particularly interested. If so, here are some great places to avoid the blanket coverage for the next two weeks.

TODAY is the memorial service for Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, who passed on after 99 years not giving a bugger what anyone thinks about him.