Arts & Entertainment

STING'S next album has been panned by critics more than two years before he is due to start recording it.

THE BBC has unveiled plans for a three-part mini series based on this morning's earthquake in Lincolnshire.

IT was essential viewing for 16 generations of British children and launched the careers of Letitia Dean, Todd Carty and the girl who played Trisha Yates.

AMY Winehouse is leading the field as the star Most Likely to Choke on Their Own Vomit in this year's NME awards shortlist.

GEORGE Clooney has landed a fourth Oscar nomination for his acclaimed performance as a tormented 12th Century court jester.

JEREMY Paxman has written to the chief executive of Marks & Spencer to tell him that his balls are huge.

CONSUMERS last night promised to continue ignoring the law, despite a government pledge not to throw them in jail for copying their own CDs. 

ANDREW Lloyd-Webber is to join the cast of the Channel Four soap opera Hollyoaks as an incredibly ugly composer of terrible songs.

BNP activist Richard Barnbrook is to marry beautiful English dancer Simone Clarke  after rescuing her from the clutches of a slanty-eyed Latino half-breed devil, he said last night.

RADIO One has been ordered to take a week off after colleagues expressed concern over her increasingly erratic behaviour.