Arts & Entertainment

GUY Ritchie is to write and direct the worst Sherlock Holmes film in the history of cinema, Warner Bros confirmed last night.

THE first contestant who manages to sell an Amstrad Emailer will win The Apprentice, Sir Alan Sugar said last night.

THE producers of Big Brother have once again resisted calls to introduce humans into the house, sticking with the all-vegetable format for the ninth year in a row.

ANY moron can see that Jonathan Ross and Chris Moyles are paid far, far too much, according to a major review of BBC salaries.

RUSSIAN billionaire Roman Abramovich has paid £2 million for the great big fat woman in the painting by Lucien Freud he bought last week.

A MIDDLE-aged man has admitted he was surprised to be nominated for the biggest prize in art, stressing he really was just mowing his lawn.

THE BBC kept £100,000 it had raised for deprived children after discovering none of them had paid their licence fee, the Corporation said last night.

ITV was last night fined a record £6m for Ant and Dec.

BILLIONAIRE author JK Rowling last night told a New York court that she would very much like to have all the money there is.

THE BBC has been shut down temporarily after complaints about a documentary featuring dozens of big, fat cocks.