Arts & Entertainment

GIRLS Aloud singer Cheryl Cole is to star in a new ITV prime-time show where she stares at children while they burst into tears.

ITV show I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here is to drop its team challenge rounds so that it can focus on lots of wet tits.

SIR Paul McCartney last night revealed the Beatles were churning out drug induced bollocks at least 18 months before John Lennon got together with Yoko Ono.

THE BBC has sacked a local radio presenter for not using a coaster in her own home.

SIR David Attenborough said 'fuck this' last night after Strictly Come Dancing became the most popular television programme in the world.

ALL Gary Glitter songs are to be electronically tagged and made to sign the sex offenders' register.

BRITAIN recoiled in horror last night as the BT broadband couple took their first tentative steps towards reconciliation.

THE BBC last night re-established its reputation for quality programming as it unveiled a lavish multi-million pound drama based on the taunting of Andrew Sachs.

THE BBC is under fire for defiling the white race and encouraging intimacy with people of colour.

COUNTDOWN is to outsource its numbers round to India following major budget cuts by Channel Four.