ACTRESS Dame Judi Dench is to host this year's BAFTA Swearathon, it has been confirmed.
The event, now in its 23rd year, promotes awareness of dirty, filthy words and the people who say them, while raising much needed funds to protect old and endangered swear words like 'fuckle', 'arseclams' and 'Jeffrey Archer'.
Speaking at a press conference at the Theatre Royal, Dame Judi said: "I remember when I first read the script for Shakespeare in Love. It was marvellous of course, but I did feel the need to phone up the lovely Tom Stoppard and ask him why he had left out the word 'c**t'.
"'Tommy', I said, 'could you be an absolute darling and shove in a couple of c**ts and a titwank, just for me?'."
Dame Judi, Britain's most repulsively foul-mouthed actress since Olivia De Havilland, said: "This is such an important event for all of us who enjoy using words like 'fucknut', 'spunk-monkey' and 'dirty great pishflaps'.
"My dear friend Tom Hanks will perform a delightful Cole Porter duet with my other dear friend Gwyneth Paltrow, but he will change the lyrics so he can call her a 'simpering, minge-faced shitweasel'.
"My great friend James Blunt has very kindly offered to play some of his greatest hits, during which members of the audience will be encouraged to drown him out by screaming the word 'cocksucker' at him, over and over again.
"And my very dear friend Robert Carlyle will give us an expert demonstration of Glaswegian swearing. I'd be tempted to let the children stay up for that one."
Dame Judi added: "Fuck the lot of you, fuck you right up the shitter."
