Horoscopes

This week you’ll finally get your ‘beach body’. But only because it washes up unexpectedly while you’re sunbathing.

THE worst type of violence that can be visited upon a person is the classic playground wedgie.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) YOU are always looking for people to massage your ego, which is massive progress given that it used to be your crotch.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) Like fellow Taurean Lily Allen, your father is Keith Allen. Sorry. Didn’t know how to break it to you. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) A PET rabbit is no substitute for a real relationship. No, not even one of those really big rabbits. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Time heals all wounds. For example, you can barely remember a thing about Avatar. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) SPLASH out on a massage, restaurant trip, bunch of flowers or massage with happy ending this week. You’ve earned it. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) When you get that feeling, you want sexual healing. And a course of antibiotics.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) Did you know, your star sign is also a variety of potato?! So if you wouldn’t mind checking - yeah, you’re a potato. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Every dog has his day, and it's your dog's day this Thursday. Get his his robe and crown.