Aries, March 21st–April 19th
The name ‘Aries’ comes from the Latin word for sheep. That’s you: dumb, easily-led and you’d taste better with mint sauce.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
You’ve finally admitted to yourself that you are horribly unfit. Download the Couch to 5k app. But your next exercise session should really be more demanding.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Congratulations! It’s only 156 weeks until your new sofa arrives. By which time you will have forgotten you ordered it. Surprise!
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
If King Arthur came back, he’d take a look around, have a pie at Greggs and walk calmly back into the sea.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Why didn’t the cowboys in Westerns just invent cars? Horses are slower, need feeding all the time and don’t have a cup holder. Talk about making life difficult for yourself.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Mariachi bands seem so quick to hire in films, but you couldn’t find one within 200 miles of your stepdad’s funeral.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Spice up the evening of a couple at a nearby restaurant table by loudly saying to your date: ‘What we’re doing technically isn’t incest.’
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21st
This week you’ll finally get your ‘beach body’. But only because it washes up unexpectedly while you’re sunbathing.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
Your family of ugly, freakish people have all been out of work since the circus went woke.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
You wish your son would stop drawing pictures of the terrifying supernatural entity he says keeps appearing at night. The hands are too big and the face looks nothing like that. Talentless little shit.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Liven up a dull work meeting by looking over a colleague’s shoulder at their notes and saying flatly, ‘That isn’t how you spell fellatio.’
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
All the girls say you’re pretty fly for a pork pie.
