subscribe
/ Sign Out

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Make it easier to scroll through a friend’s holiday photos this week by imagining you’re a detective piecing together their last moments before they died.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Having registered to vote, you’ll spend the week feeling like Napoleon deciding the fate of Europe rather than somebody who has a bit of an issue about Polish people.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
As a water sign, I don’t suppose you could do anything to stop it pissing down all the time, could you?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Energise your aura on Thursday by rubbing up against somebody on the bus. It’s like static electricity on a balloon. Trust me.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You need to stand firm against a work colleague on Monday who insists that jabbing at their eye with a pencil is an unreasonable response to the way they breathe.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Remember that yours is the most sensual sign of the zodiac and if your neighbours can’t handle you stood in your back garden rubbing margarine into your torso while whimpering, that’s their problem.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Trouble on Friday, when you visit a Pizza Express and discover too late it’s the non-stop overnight express to Inverness. And it won’t have any pizza until Perth. 

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
A potential career as a psychic is snuffed out this weekend after you discover no, you can’t read minds, it’s just everyone in your life is so fucking predictable it seemed you could. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ll find yourself consistently making the wrong choices at work this week, which causes real problems because you’re a Roman emperor judging gladiatorial combat in the year 59 AD. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
When you make a piece of toast with what looks like Jesus burned into it, everyone wants a look. When it’s a picture of your ex-wife, even she won’t pop round.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
A car that transforms into a boat? Incredible idea, but since you’re at the seaside anyway it’s worth pushing a few dozen in to see if it’s already been invented. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
A pet rabbit is no substitute for a real relationship. No, not even one of those really big rabbits. 

Couple saving to take parents out and ask them for a mortgage deposit

A COUPLE are setting aside money so that they can take their parents to a local restaurant and beg for a house deposit.

Tom Booker and Emma Bradford made the decision to start saving £100 after realising they were never going to be able to buy a house without their parents doing it for them.

Booker said: “As we’re first-time deposit blaggers we have to be realistic, we’re thinking of a Pizza Express or local Indian, nowhere too fancy but proper enough that they feel buttered up.

“We should have the money saved up in a couple of months if we lay off the cocaine.”

He added: “Dad will say I should have thought about this sooner, but it was impossible to save in our 20s, what with London rent and entry-level salaries and all the travelling we did.

“Our time in New Zealand, California and the Galapagos Islands wasn’t cheap, but it was life experience, and you can’t put a price on that. You can put a price on a house though.”

Bradford said: “It’s not like we’re expecting money to fall into our laps. We’re talking starters, puddings, the works.

“Although they did offer to have us round for lunch one Sunday though, maybe we should do that instead because it’s free.”

Next story ›