THE shortlists are being made for three of the top posts in England. And once again, we see a numbing litany of unqualified men.
A HOMEWORKER has begun to come into the office every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday purely for its selection of biscuits, colleagues believe.
THE election of a Labour government was a blow for our right-wing press, but they’re comforting themselves with these sad little triumphs.
ARE you a Trump voter beginning to realise prices will rise, government will collapse and you may get deported? Here’s how to rationalise it.
THE greatest benefit of darker nights is the chance to see into the crappy front rooms of other people and judge them.
YOUR online Reply Guy, faithfully leaving a comment under every Instagram post, is always there for you. But what do his messages really mean?
LIBERAL despot Gary Lineker, who has cruelly ruled Britain from his throne of football lies for decades, has announced he is to step down.
CALLING a show ‘Police Officers’ would be dull. So TV works hard to find alternative, cooler titles for pumping out the same old crap and ends up here.
Politics
THE prospect of a second Trump presidency poses lots of terrifying questions. Here are your worst fears analysed and confirmed.
DONALD Trump has promised his supporters a raft of new policies when taking office. Here’s what he’ll do instead.
MOVE aside, gun-toting, flag-waving, antler-wearing rioters, lefties can be just as angry and ready to reclaim the election by force. Well, by asking nicely. Here's how.
FORMER prime minister Boris Johnson believes Trump’s stunning victory proves that his own political comeback is now inevitable.
THEY are here among us, frustrated they cannot cast their vote to make America great again because they are citizens of a different country. Look inside their minds.
Society
DOGS who shake their way through every November 5th are not afraid of fireworks but moved by a deep sense of injustice for the executed gunpowder plotters, it has emerged.
DEPENDING on how badly your life is going, yesterday’s Budget will affect you differently. Here are the winners and losers of Rachel Reeves’ decision to tax and spend.
DON’T get me wrong, I love having some Poppy Day disrespect to moan about. But it’s getting earlier every year, and it doesn’t feel right calling someone a traitor in October.
AN Asian man out for a curry with his new office colleagues has been quizzed about Indian food as if he somehow has an innate knowledge of it.
A PAIR of moneyed new parents have given their beautiful, hours-old daughter a name best suited to a sour schoolmarm who lived a hundred years ago.
Lifestyle
NINE and a half grand to spend a year hanging out with your mates in the prime of your youth is still a good deal, students have been told.
A DICKISH couple are certain people from miles around will gratefully gaze at the huge free fireworks display they are putting on.
AN uptight bed showroom is stupidly not letting customers find out how good the mattresses are for shagging on.
HALLOWEEN is a time for ghosts, ghouls and women who want an excuse to wear revealing costumes. If you’re going to regret dressing as a slutty witch here are some outfits which are hard to sexualise.
RURAL villages that mark Halloween with funny old-fashioned ceremonies always kill someone at the end, it has emerged.
A COUPLE seeking a romantic autumnal activity have chosen to mutually hack apart a huge, slimy squash.
Sport
THOMAS Tuchel has explained his being German and managing England is not an issue because the two nations are essentially identical.
THOMAS Tuchel has nobly accepted his career as a football manager who won trophies is in the past and begun a long, sad slide into irrelevance.
ENGLAND played five strikers on Thursday and lost. Logic dictates they should therefore increase the number of strikers to 11 for Sunday’s game, but will they?
NOBODY seems to want the England job and fans believe anyone could do it better than Gareth Southgate, so should we let this lad Lee Carsley do it?
Science & Technology
A WARM, loving message from a father is clearly a scam designed to trick his son out of money.
THE business-focused social media network LinkedIn has just begun an exciting new role rigging presidential elections in the United States. Click here to add your congratulations!
THE price of a good, solid shot of healthy human semen has risen by a full ten pounds to a princely £45 a time.
GOOGLE is wondering if you meant a different search term which requires less effort and more showing of sponsored posts, it has confirmed.
Arts & Entertainment
ABBA, Queen and Frankie Valli have been successfully interpreted for the stage, so why not these classic acts? Don’t families deserve to see them?
LIAM Payne’s track Do No Wrong is being released uncomfortably soon after his death. But it’s not the first questionable musical tribute to a deceased individual.
MUSIC fans around the world are joining in the fun pretence that they would love to hear a new album by Kate Bush.
KEIRA Knightley has written a children’s book, based on no literary merit other than being in Pride & Prejudice. Here are some more famous people who really shouldn’t bother either.
AN artificial intelligence trained on Radiohead’s music can produced precisely two good albums before dissolving into an electronic morass, researchers have found.
Business
CONSERVATIVE politicians who disdain government and adore business have been advised they could, instead of running for government, run a business.
WATER bills are to rise, because otherwise businesses failing by every metric would be unable to reward their shareholders. Here’s how that happened.
A GROUP of natural Tories have warned Labour to run the country in their best interests or every one of them will have left the country by Friday.
ARE you concerned that when the inevitable call from banking scammers arrives, you will be too savvy to fall for it and end up keeping all your money? Follow these steps.
RESIDENTS of a gentrified town are dismayed that the artisan cheese shop they collectively neglected is going out of business.
TENANTS are ungrateful bastards. Always complaining about broken sinks and holes in roofs but no appreciation for the finer points of interior design. Detail is everything.
Work
ASKED to do something at work, which is really unfair considering the weekend you’ve had? Determined to lower expectations? Try these simple techniques.
A MAN has willingly slashed his income in order to pursue his dream job which still boasts a far better salary than yours, it has emerged.
A WOMAN is under the mistaken impression that her leaving for another job is an important emotional event for those around her.
A BOSS is hoping that his employee’s five year plan aligns with his own vision of an increased workload for decreased compensation.
Alcohol
APPRECIATORS of super-strength lager's complex flavours feel they have been ignored in Rachel Reeves’ budget.
A MAN is not tight or anything, he just thinks it is daft to spend a fiver on a pint.
MORE than 60 per cent of craft beer is brewed by big bastard corporations rather than independent bearded wankers, research has found.
A GROUP of work colleagues have been assured by a co-worker that they can continue their drinking at a great bar situated a mere 45 minute walk away.
